Love Letter from a Prison Cell
by Moonshadow1
Summary: NEW CHAPTER 2! You wanted to know whether Logan could hear her? In a way ... and so could someone else.
1. Chapter 1

Hey.  
  
How many times did it start that way for us, just that one word? In person, on the phone, my house, your house. Anywhere. Even here. I so want to believe that you can hear me tonight. Somehow.  
  
I'm lying here in the dark, and I can't sleep. That's a really good sign. At first, I slept a lot. I dreamed about you all the time. Sometimes I thought you were really here, beside me, stroking my face. You promised you wouldn't leave me, and you didn't. You don't know what that meant to me. Now that my head's clear again, those dreams don't happen so much. I kinda miss them ... still, I'm feeling a lot better. A hell of a lot better. I guess I don't have to tell you what that can do for a person's attitude, do I? Someday we'll have to swap war stories. You never did tell me much about what it was like for you after the shooting. Not your fault, though. It's not like I was there for you.   
  
Sorry. Now I know what it means to have someone in your corner at a time like that.  
  
Anyway, like I said, here I am lying in bed. They think I'm still real tired and I'm playing along, letting them believe I'm weak. That gives me an element of surprise when I'm ready to break out of here. The down side is that on nights like tonight I've got too much time on my hands after curfew. So I lie here and think of you. Pretend I'm talking to you.   
Not that I've got much of anything fun to say, these days.   
  
I look different, you know. I've lost weight, I've got a huge scar. And I still can't bear to think about Zack and Tinga. Nothing's ever hurt this much in my life. Nothing.  
  
About the rest of my family. I've met a lot more of them here, and what can I say? If you thought Bennett's wedding was bad, you ought to come to Sunday dinner here. And I've got one or two cousins I'd just love to introduce to your ex-wife ... hey, I'm actually making myself smile!  
  
It's either that or scream, because I hate this place. It's not just the prison thing, you know? I didn't realize, until I was here, that thanks to you I'm actually a little spoiled. I'm used to nice things now. What I wouldn't give now for just one glass of the wine I left unfinished, or just one of your "culinary miracles" I turned down like it was mess at the barracks. Now I've got mess at the barracks, and guess what? They don't cook with garlic here.  
  
It's ugly here too. Butt-ugly. And everybody's got a bad attitude. Some days all I can do is close my eyes and fill up my senses with memories. I'm not like you, I don't write things down, but everything that's happened between us is written on my heart, so all I have to do is remember. It's easier at night. Curfew makes me think of all the blackouts. The way the lights would go out and all of a sudden it was dark.  
  
The dark. The candles you used to light. Not a single candle here. That's one of the perks of a military installation. They never run out of power, or hot water either. It's only after curfew that those hateful flourescent lights go out and night comes.   
  
You always looked good at night, you know. Everything about you shone in the candlelight, even your eyes lost their shadows and gave back the light ... will you listen to me, thinking all this sentimental crap? But I find myself getting that way, these days.   
  
I don't even know where you are or what you think is happening. Funny, isn't it? I always gave you a hard time about getting out of the house and living a little bit, and now I hope like hell you're right where you've always been, sitting there in front of the window. Or at the computer. Eyes Only. I keep hoping that I'll catch one of your hacks, but I never do. Guess they've got you blocked out of here. I'd love to hear the sound of your voice.  
  
In the beginning, when I was so sick and I didn't know what was happening, my mind went to some pretty scary places. Like, they got you that night too. That you were in a cell here too ... or worse. But then the bitch who runs this place made a mistake. I know she thought she'd bring me down, break my brand-new heart, when she started to rag me about what you were doing out there without me. But I've never been so relieved in my life.   
  
Anyway, that night you were far away, back at the van. Safe. You know, for a while I had the idea you were there in the woods with me, after I was shot. But you couldn't have been. It's all those painkillers they gave me. They really mess you up, so I stopped swallowing them. I stashed them in case I get a chance to knock out a guard or two the easy way.   
  
But what do you think happened to me? And Zack? Do you know that he is gone? Or that I'm still here?   
  
You know what I keep thinking about? What it would have been like if Zack hadn't interrupted us that night. Where our little anniversary celebration would have gone. I still remember the pleasure as you finally held me, the soft touch of your lips on mine and the tickle of your scruff and the taste of of the kiss. The taste of you and champagne. One kiss, that's all it was. Yet I think about it over and over, so often I'm afraid I'll wear it out. But the magic never goes out of it. Oh, Logan, nothing gives me as much hope as the thought of someday having the chance to finish what we started that night.  
  
But what's going to happen when I get out of here? I'm almost ready to try an escape. I learned my lesson that time I was in Langford. I won't even try to make it over the fence until I'm strong, and I think that's going to happen in a few more days, a week at the most. And then what?  
  
I shouldn't let her do this to me, but the bitch has put some doubt in my mind. Not that I didn't have enough to feel guilty about in the first place ...  
  
After all the nights I've thought about you I'm gonna feel like the planet's biggest idiot if I get back home and find out that you've gone on with your life -- without me. But why wouldn't you? We're all human. Or at least, you are ... what reason have I given you to wait for me? If you even know I'm alive.   
  
I put my family first. I told myself I was doing it for us, but it was for me. And it's so much worse now, I'm afraid to tell you. I always knew I'd come to you with too much baggage, but I tried to pretend it wasn't true.   
  
Besides, what was it between us, really? A year of working together, of being friends -- and one kiss. What guy waits around forever for a girl he's kissed one time when she's got the family from hell? Especially a guy like you. Even though you totally refuse to admit that anyone could be romantically interested in you any more -- thanks a lot, by the way -- I have a very clear idea of just how attractive you are. And it hasn't made this any easier. Maybe after I fight my out of here and back to you, it will finally and forever prove to you that it's not about you being able to walk. Not for me. You think I'd escape prison for just anybody?  
  
Oh yeah ... speaking of just anybody ... once in a while, when I'm feeling extra sorry for myself, I worry that you've changed your mind about what happened right before the raid. I can feel my face burning right this second, thinking of what a stupid, idiotic, utterly dumb-ass thing it was to sleep with that pizza guy ..  
  
No! I won't do this! I won't them win! There has to be a way I can be there for my family without giving up on you. No matter how long it takes, no matter what it takes, I will find that way. And I'm going to believe that it's what you want too.  
  
That's right ... I'm just gonna calm down. You know how many times Cindy told me to stop feeling guilty about you? She'd be kicking some major ass right now if she heard this little pity party, or saw the tears running down my face and into my hair. She'd hand me a tissue and tell me to get over my bad self before the pillowcase gets all soggy.  
  
I'm going to remember the good stuff. Like that poem you wrote about me. You made such a big deal out of that, it had to be important to you, right? I only remember the one line, but it's enough. "Forever eyes. Dark. Somebody's angel." I hope you're not taking that last bit too literally these days, thinking I'm hovering over Fogle Towers with a little halo or something. Because that night, when I read those words ... they say that being loved gives a person strength. And I felt strong that night, knowing ... well, not that we've ever used that word, love .. but after all these weeks alone here, I'm thinking it more and more.   
  
So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll lie here tonight thinking of how it's going to be the next time I see you. It'll start out like all those other times. You'll turn around and there I'll be. And you'll say hey, and I'll say hey. And then who knows? We'll start with another kiss and see where it goes from there.  
  
Hey. I so hope you can hear this. Hey.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

  
LOGAN  
  
Tonight is an anniversary of sorts.   
  
Last time I said those words, I said them with so much hope and anticipation. Tonight, I can only say them with bitterness. This anniversary marks only the passing of another month of grief, not the celebration of our year together. If only ...   
  
Funny. I thought I'd gotten over torturing myself with "if only" after the shooting. I thought I had become a man who didn't look back. But for some reason, tonight, I can't look forward to tomorrow, and the opportunity for revenge that each new day brings. Tonight, the past fills my mind.  
  
  
LYDECKER  
  
Another month gone since the raid.  
  
Quiet night, here. That's the way it usually is when you're out in the field, under deep cover ... you wait. You watch. You try to empty yourself, let the night, the sounds and the movements, speak to you. Warn you if necessary. It's foolish to fill your head with personal thoughts and emotion. Downright dangerous. Funny. I thought I was stronger than this. More disciplined. But tonight I just can't clear my head.   
  
  
LOGAN  
  
You never had a funeral or a memorial service. Cindy and your friends went to Crash one night and got blasted, but I couldn't bring myself to join them. I didn't dare drink in public. I was afraid I'd lose control. Some nights I drank here, alone, because passing out was the closest I could get to sleeping.  
  
Not that I wanted the Cale family-style memorial for you, either. You didn't go with me to Uncle Jonas' funeral. It would have been fun to hear your take on things. The gloomy old church, the long effusive eulogy, the relatives oozing sympathy all over Aunt Margo and then dissing Jonas the minute her back was turned ... no, Max, that's not how I would have chosen to honor your life.   
  
Still, I sometimes wish I could have laid you to rest in the Cale family cemetery. It's actually beautiful there, very peaceful. From the top of the hill you can see the water, and in spring the lilacs and cherry trees bloom. I hate thinking of you alone, wherever you are.   
  
  
LYDECKER  
  
You kids were no strangers to death, but you never saw a funeral, let alone a real military ceremony. Full dress uniforms, flags, bugles. A 21-gun salute. Maybe I should have exposed you to more of that kind of thing. Given you a taste of the glory even the ordinary soldier deserves when he falls. I thought you were above all that, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe you wouldn't have run off looking for emotional comfort, Max. Maybe you wouldn't have needed it. Well, what's past is past. You two lie where you have fallen, and there's honor in that too.   
  
  
LOGAN  
  
The power is out. These days that means I usually sit in the dark. I can't bring you home from whatever dark place you lie in, but tonight I will light the candles the way we used to, and I won't fight the memories. I'll welcome them as if they were you. It isn't right that someone as special as you is remembered only for that last terrible night of her life. There was a whole year before that, a year we never had the chance to celebrate. I'll do that tonight. Somewhere, somehow, maybe I can even find a little of that mirth you were hoping for.  
  
  
LYDECKER   
  
Laughter. Not much place for that in the field. Maybe that's something else you kids needed, a little laughter.   
  
I see it's nearly midnight. Should be safe now to light my candle and get some work done. Work is always the best way to refocus the mind and clear away all these memories, all this sentimentality. There was a time when I would have used the bottle to do that. But in the end it only made things worse. So tonight I'll drink to you two from this canteen of stale warm water.   
  
  
LOGAN  
  
So here's to you, Max, and a year of life spent in your company.   
  
Wish I had something better than this cheap wine for the occasion. Not that you ever drank much of the good stuff anyway. Seems like you were always running off after just a sip or two. I knew you were a little afraid of where things might go, just the two of us alone, drinking that wine. Afraid of saying words you couldn't take back, afraid of sharing secrets you couldn't hide again afterwards. I thought I would have time to show you that you had nothing to fear. Remember the night I let you read my poetry? I've never felt so exposed in all my life. But I wanted to do it, Max, to let you know what kind of risk I was willing to take for you. Even the risk of letting you know that I wrote poetry about your eyes. "Forever eyes. Dark." I still wonder sometimes what you really thought about that.  
  
  
LYDECKER  
  
Zack, I wasn't there when you were engineered. Those were the darkest days of my life, after my wife was killed. I wasn't fit for duty. But Max ... I thought I had cheated death itself, when you were created. Her eyes ... the moment I first saw you, I believed I had succeeded in giving her immortality. That I had defied her murderers. I was triumphant. Now it's all gone. With your death, she has vanished from the face of the earth. My dreams for you kids, also gone. Nothing but cinders and ash, now. Yet I keep seeing those eyes.  
  
Why not kill myself, then, and end it all? That last night, you showed me the essential cowardice of such an act. You chose to fight the bitch and you succeeded, even if for only a short time. We've suffered heavy, almost insurmountable losses. There will never be another Zack, with that gift for leadership. And there will never be another you, Max, with your spirit, misdirected as it sometimes was. But I can rebuild. I am not helpless, and I will not allow myself to be weak.  
  
  
LOGAN  
  
One of the memories I treasure most, Max, was that awful day I nearly killed myself. Sounds funny to say that. But that afternoon, your heart was in your eyes as you threw your arms around me. I knew then what an act of cowardice it would have been to leave you, after all of your other losses, your mother, your brothers and sisters, your freedom, your innocence. I was a mess, and I knew it. Too much had happened to me that I couldn't bear. But in that moment I understood that that in spite of my ruined body and the bitterness in my soul, there was still a good act within my power. I could stay. Be there for you. I still had to hold back so much of myself that was chaotic and miserable. But I could stay.  
  
I stayed as long as I could, Max. I know I promised I would not leave you, but I wasn't given a choice. Now I want to make you another promise. I will not try to destroy myself again. Instead I will destroy the evil that did this to me and to you.   
  
  
LYDECKER  
  
It would be easy to walk out of hiding right now. Head for the nearest bar and let it all go. Who would blame me? Might even save my life. Turn myself in to her, let her think I've become nothing more than another pathetic drunk. She'd love that.   
  
But I won't. Some of your brothers and sisters still live. And because of them, I will go on.   
  
  
LOGAN  
  
Speaking of poetry, all these years I've carried with me a quote from Rilke:  
  
"Do not believe that the great love once enjoined upon you was lost; can you say whether great and good desires did not ripen in you at the time, and resolutions by which you are still living today?"   
  
I thought of these words again and again when Daphne broke our engagement, and when my marriage went wrong. I thought then that I knew what a broken heart is about. But now, Max, I understand what loss really means. And those words give me the hope to go on. You are lost to me, Max, but once again, I can stay. You will be the resolution by which I live today, and every day to come.  
  
  
LYDECKER  
  
"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Marcus Aurelius. A soldier.   
  
I will not die. I will honor my fallen soldiers by continuing the mission. Stronger than ever.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
